Fresh Bean Salad

Sex sells food, we know all know this. But just how far back do you think this crude advertising gambit goes? The naïve of you may think that is was our very own Marks and Spencer that resorted to a close up of a Christmas pudding being sodomised by a tub of custard, having tried every other possible angle to shift the disgusting dessert which is unfortunately synonymous with what would otherwise be the best meal of the year.

The more informed, or perhaps just older of you (much, much older), may have come across a spate of Betty Crocker adverts back in the 1950s. Actress Adelaide Cumming was drafted in to play the part of Betty herself; she’s dressed in the frock of a classic American house wife with her hair done beautifully, looks straight down the camera and delivers her line with such a homely determination it would have Liberace reaching for the Kleenex. - “The men really go for it, and so will your bridge club”. Perhaps not quite as racy as a montage of an Oakham chicken been sexually assaulted to a soundtrack of Santana’s ‘Samba Pa Ti’, but for the time it was bordering Berghain.

If you travel back in time further still to the 1880s, the corporate advertising spin doctors were following a similar format; certainly it wasn’t Kim Kardashian sprawled across a bed seductively masticating on a chicken wing, and they didn’t have the luxury of Joanna Lumley as a voice over. But to the men of the age a buxom field wench carrying a sheaf of barley was the ultimate aphrodisiac.

 Even in the animal world primates have been documented producing food in order to attract a mate, in fact this is one of the ways I’ve managed to hold onto my girlfriend for so long (3 years tomorrow). In fact if it wasn’t for the Vicodin I’ve been slipping into her lunch on a regular basis I’m sure she would have left me mid 2010.

My point is that food is sexy, most warm blooded men wouldn’t think twice about guzzling offal from the naval of Rosy Huntington-Whitely. Similarly, there are few women that would shy away from a slither of liver if the plate was Johnny Depp’s inner thigh. So, follow the instructions below and have a go at my very own sexy supper. Ooh, Naughty.      

(N/B: Before you start, open the You Tube link below in a new window, wait for the singing, and read this in your sexiest voice, very, very slowly).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_1uunRdQ61M

Traditionally grown in the valleys of the Loire, through temporal soil oozing with goodness. Long, straight, perfectly formed and ready to burst. A bead of moisture collects around the bloated tip, before trickling, suggestively, along a ridge of flesh, ripe, and unbound.

This isn’t just a bean, this is a fresh bean.


R.I.P. Etta James, one of the all time greats.

Ingredients: (Serves 4)

1 large handful of fresh, sexy, French beans

16 sticks of phallic asparagus, just the tips

½ a bag of bulging pine nuts

1 bag of mixed leaf salad, with bite

1 handful of ooh baby spinach

1 tablespoon parmesan, shaven

½ tspn lemon zest, rhymes with breast

Small handful of seedy olives, seeds take out

1 tablespoon wholegrain mustard

3 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil

2 tablespoons of red wine vinegar, to get her drunk

Black pepper, corny

1 Swedish made penis enlarger pump

1 receipt for Swedish made penis enlarger pump, signed, by Augustus Gloop

1 book, Swedish made penis enlargers and me, by, Augustus Gloop

Method:

1. Put the asparagus and beans into a saucepan and add boiling water to them, don’t start them in cold water and then put them on the heat as they will lose their colour. Boil for 5 minutes until tender but still with a little nibble to them. Drain them and toss them in a slug of extra virgin olive oil, the parmesan shavings and the lemon zest.

2. While the beans and asparagus are cooking get a pan and dry roast the pine nuts until they start to brown. Take them off the heat to cool for a few minutes.

3. Mix the leaves in a bowl, chuck in the beans and asparagus and toss them through. Then chuck over the pine nuts and olives and mix them in as well.

4. In a bowl mix the olive oil, red wine vinegar and mustard. Add a couple of turns of pepper. Dress the salad thoroughly and serve up with a few extra olives scattered over it.

Confit de Canard

We’ve all encountered aphorisms in our lives, imparted by parents, teachers, friends, authors, historians, prophets, preachers, politicians, wise men, wise women. Almost all of which it’s possible to take some sort of meaning and apply it to your own circumstances, to learn, to improve yourself.

Shakespeare wrote that “Discretion is the better part of valour”, amongst many, many other things.

Charles Darwin said “A man who dares to waste one hour of time has not discovered the value of life”. Echoed by Ralph Waldo Emerson who mused that “it’s not length of life, but depth of life”. I agree, which is why I’m seriously pissed off that I sat through ‘Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull’ today.

“You wouldn’t do it at home so don’t do it at school”. My teacher referring to me leaning back on my chair, a generic comment that all of us have heard at one time or another that is rarely correct. There are plenty of things that I would do at home that I wouldn’t have done at school; and very little I would confine to the classroom, save Chemistry perhaps. This particular maxim I would discard.

Two of the most overused sayings we all would have heard, and as children resented hugely, are the classics - “Good things come to those who wait” and “Patience is a virtue”.

These really used to grind my gears, no child wants to wait for something, when they see it they want it and their pea sized brains can’t focus on anything else. Mine certainly couldn’t.

However now I get it, with time I have come to learn and appreciate the message that my parents were trying to engrain on my psyche. I understand what my teachers were trying to drill into me and why. But I’m afraid the credit for this new found virtuosity cannot fall with either of the above parties, no. Because the time it took for me to learn this has not been the last 25 years in the bosom of my family, or the 20 years of education as my tutors tried to make a man of me. It was the 3 days and 18 hours it took to marinate and slow cook two duck legs in a kilo of goose fat that really drove the message home.

When William Wallace stood on the battle field and said – “Every man dies, not every man can say he’s lived”, it was not the emancipation of Scotland he was referring to, oh no, it was the Duck Confit he’d had whilst traveling through France.

Ingredients: (Serves 2)

2 duck legs

Enough goose fat to cover them in an oven proof dish

(For the marinade)

1 bay leaf

2 sprigs of lemon thyme

1 white onion, roughly chopped

6 tablespoons of extra virgin olive oil

1 tablespoon rock salt

15 whole black peppercorns

1 tablespoon of oregano

4 large potatoes

2 large parsnips

1 tablespoon Manuka honey

1 tablespoon wholegrain mustard

A healthy knob of butter

A slug of double cream

1 egg

Ground black pepper

Sprouting broccoli

Asparagus

Cherry tomatoes, for roasting

Method

1. Rub the duck legs thoroughly in salt and place in a bowl, pour in the oil and the remaining ingredients for the marinade, toss to coat thoroughly, cover with cling film and leave in the fridge for 3 days.

2. Pre-heat the oven to 75°C. When the legs are ready remove from the fridge and take out the duck legs from the bowl and transfer to a oven proof dish, deep enough to put the duck legs in a cover with at least 2cm of goose fat on top. Spoon out the goose fat and submerge the duck legs, whack them in the oven 18 hours before you intend to eat them, (7pm if you want lunch at 1 the following day).

3. Half an hour before you take the duck out boil the parsnips and potatoes, mash them with a knob of butter, a slug of double cream, the egg and a few turns of black pepper. Mix in the mustard and Manuka honey and stir through, set aside and keep warm.

4. In the last ten minutes boil the broccoli and asparagus then toss in butter.

5. Take the duck legs out of the oven and dispose of the goose fat, NOT DOWN THE SINK, into a flower bed if you have one. Put the legs on a roasting tray with some vine tomatoes and grill under a high heat for 5/6 minutes until the skin crisps up.

6. Serve the duck on the mash with the vegetables and tomatoes. This is the best way to eat duck in the world, EVER. It is also very nice with a port or Madeira reduction and if you want to go even richer, finely sliced sprouts in a Mornay sauce with lardons fried in clarified butter. I made this for Xmas day nearly died from enjoyment. 

Julia Child's Bouef Bourguignon

Last night I received a rather jovial message on ‘The Book’ from an ardent admirer of both me and my blog (you know who you are), the content of which poked fun at the correlation between me and my blogging and the character of Amy Adams in the recent Julie and Julia film.

As with all comments, no matter how misdirected, I took this to heart immediately and have subsequently spent an epic 5 hours in the kitchen cooking, almost word for word, the recipe for Julia Child’s Bouef Bourguignon. As for the mischievous pixie whose request led to me pouring my blood, sweat, and half a bottle of Beaujolais into a casserole, this time you get off Scott free, next time you won’t be so lucky and you may find some auburn bread men dedicated to you.

I have converted the measurements from US into UK and 20^th to 21^st century, this should make it easier when preparing, rather than drenching your keyboard into grease like I’m doing this very second finding online measurement converters.

Ingredients: (Serves 6 ) – 5 hours prep and cook

1 pack of finest unsmoked bacon, cut into 1cm squares

Olive Oil

1.3kg lean stewing beef, cut into 2 inch cubes

1 carrot, sliced into circles

1 white onion, sliced

Salt and pepper

2 tablespoons plain flour

400ml red wine, young and full-bodied (like Beaujolais, Cotes du Rhone, Burgundy or Mon Petit Amis)

800ml beef stock

1 tablespoon tomato purée

2 cloves garlic, mashed

½ tspn thyme

1 crumbled bay leaf

20 small round shallots, skin taken off

60g butter

Herb bouquet - 4 parsley sprigs, one-half bay leaf, one-quarter tspn thyme, tied in cheesecloth

(For the above I just used a Bouquet Garni from Waitrose)

450g chestnut mushrooms, quartered

Method:

Preheat the oven to 230°C

1. Heat a couple of tablespoons of olive oil in a flame proof casserole and add the bacon bits, fry until brown and transfer onto kitchen towel to drain off the oil.

2. Pat the beef dry with paper towel and brown in the same casserole in batches, transferring to the plate with the bacon when done.

3. In the same fat, brown the sliced onion and carrot, pour out the excess fat, and return the beef to the casserole and toss with ½ tspn of salt and ¼ tspn of black pepper. Sprinkle the flour on top and toss again to lightly coat the beef before placing it, uncovered, in the middle of the preheated oven for 4 minutes. Toss the meat again and return to the oven for another 4 minutes – this browns the flour and covers the meat with a light crust.

4. Remove the casserole and turn the oven down to 160°C, stir in the red wine and around 500ml of stock, enough to just about cover the meat. Add the tomato purée, mashed garlic, thyme and bay leaf (I chucked in a bouquet garni here for good measure) and bring to a simmer on top of the cooker. Cover the casserole and return to the oven for 3 – 4 hours, stirring a couple of times between, the beef should become incredibly soft and tender.

5. Whilst the meat is cooking heat a tablespoon of butter with the same amount of olive oil in a thick bottomed frying pan, add the small whole shallots and sauté over a moderate heat for around 10 minutes, roll them around to get them smothered in the butter. Add 150ml of stock, salt and pepper and a bouquet garni, cover and simmer for 45 minutes until the onions are tender and the liquid has evaporated. Remove the bouquet garni and drain the shallots on kitchen paper.

6. Wipe the pan and add the same amount of butter and oil over a high heat, when sizzling add the mushrooms and toss them around for 5 minutes till they are cooked and browned.

7. When the meat is done Julia recommends that you - “Pour the contents of the casserole into a sieve set over a saucepan. Wash out the casserole and return the beef and bacon to it. Distribute the cooked shallots and mushrooms on top. Skim fat off sauce in saucepan. Simmer sauce for a minute or two, skimming off additional fat as it rises. You should have about 2 ½ cups of sauce thick enough to coat a spoon lightly. If too thin, boil down rapidly. If too thick, mix in a few teaspoons of stock. Pour over the meat and vegetables and baste the beef several times”.

I simply added the shallots and mushrooms to the original casserole, mixed them in, and served with some parsley to garnish. It tasted absolutely delicious. I didn’t bother but some boiled new potatoes tossed in butter and chives would have gone perfectly with it.