Sex sells food, we know all know this. But just how far back do you think this crude advertising gambit goes? The naïve of you may think that is was our very own Marks and Spencer that resorted to a close up of a Christmas pudding being sodomised by a tub of custard, having tried every other possible angle to shift the disgusting dessert which is unfortunately synonymous with what would otherwise be the best meal of the year.
The more informed, or perhaps just older of you (much, much older), may have come across a spate of Betty Crocker adverts back in the 1950s. Actress Adelaide Cumming was drafted in to play the part of Betty herself; she’s dressed in the frock of a classic American house wife with her hair done beautifully, looks straight down the camera and delivers her line with such a homely determination it would have Liberace reaching for the Kleenex. - “The men really go for it, and so will your bridge club”. Perhaps not quite as racy as a montage of an Oakham chicken been sexually assaulted to a soundtrack of Santana’s ‘Samba Pa Ti’, but for the time it was bordering Berghain.
If you travel back in time further still to the 1880s, the corporate advertising spin doctors were following a similar format; certainly it wasn’t Kim Kardashian sprawled across a bed seductively masticating on a chicken wing, and they didn’t have the luxury of Joanna Lumley as a voice over. But to the men of the age a buxom field wench carrying a sheaf of barley was the ultimate aphrodisiac.
Even in the animal world primates have been documented producing food in order to attract a mate, in fact this is one of the ways I’ve managed to hold onto my girlfriend for so long (3 years tomorrow). In fact if it wasn’t for the Vicodin I’ve been slipping into her lunch on a regular basis I’m sure she would have left me mid 2010.
My point is that food is sexy, most warm blooded men wouldn’t think twice about guzzling offal from the naval of Rosy Huntington-Whitely. Similarly, there are few women that would shy away from a slither of liver if the plate was Johnny Depp’s inner thigh. So, follow the instructions below and have a go at my very own sexy supper. Ooh, Naughty.
(N/B: Before you start, open the You Tube link below in a new window, wait for the singing, and read this in your sexiest voice, very, very slowly).
Traditionally grown in the valleys of the Loire, through temporal soil oozing with goodness. Long, straight, perfectly formed and ready to burst. A bead of moisture collects around the bloated tip, before trickling, suggestively, along a ridge of flesh, ripe, and unbound.
This isn’t just a bean, this is a fresh bean.
R.I.P. Etta James, one of the all time greats.
R.I.P. Etta James, one of the all time greats.
Ingredients: (Serves 4)
1 large handful of fresh, sexy, French beans
16 sticks of phallic asparagus, just the tips
½ a bag of bulging pine nuts
1 bag of mixed leaf salad, with bite
1 handful of ooh baby spinach
1 tablespoon parmesan, shaven
½ tspn lemon zest, rhymes with breast
Small handful of seedy olives, seeds take out
1 tablespoon wholegrain mustard
3 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil
2 tablespoons of red wine vinegar, to get her drunk
Black pepper, corny
1 Swedish made penis enlarger pump
1 receipt for Swedish made penis enlarger pump, signed, by Augustus Gloop
1 book, Swedish made penis enlargers and me, by, Augustus Gloop
Method:
1. Put the asparagus and beans into a saucepan and add boiling water to them, don’t start them in cold water and then put them on the heat as they will lose their colour. Boil for 5 minutes until tender but still with a little nibble to them. Drain them and toss them in a slug of extra virgin olive oil, the parmesan shavings and the lemon zest.
2. While the beans and asparagus are cooking get a pan and dry roast the pine nuts until they start to brown. Take them off the heat to cool for a few minutes.
3. Mix the leaves in a bowl, chuck in the beans and asparagus and toss them through. Then chuck over the pine nuts and olives and mix them in as well.
4. In a bowl mix the olive oil, red wine vinegar and mustard. Add a couple of turns of pepper. Dress the salad thoroughly and serve up with a few extra olives scattered over it.
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