Are things better in small packages?
I’m sure there are plenty of blokes out there trying to
convince their girlfriends “it’s not the
size, but what you do with that counts”; and in the bedroom this may be
true, to a degree of course, nobody wants their manhood mistaken for a third
nipple prompting an embarrassing yet discreet visit to Doctor Christian, and
the subsequent airing of an extreme close up through an electron microscope of
your miserable member. Joyful.
Extremities aside there are analogies across the board that
illustrate the relativity between size and performance. For example; the Ariel
Atom has the small and compact engine from a Honda Civic Type R, and with only 2.0L
of space in the block head and a meagre 245bhp, on paper it should be annihilated
by say, an Aston Martin V12 Vantage that boasts a whopping 6.0L twelve cylinder
engine that pumps out 510bhp, more than double the horses whinnying in front of
the Atom. However due its tiny frame and weight of 610 kilograms, the Ariel can
run rings around the Aston and put a far bigger smile on your face.
The wild Mustang horses of the North American Plains are
tiny, only a few hands and feet tall; stick them next to a Suffolk Punch and
they’d be in danger of being crushed, but dangle a carrot in front of them and
you can bet which one would have their night vision first.
What it comes down to, I think, is a question of
practicality amongst your surroundings. It may be fun to have Lexington Steele
in the boudoir and a Hummer in the driveway, but before long you’d end up
walking around in nappies and running over small children. Likewise if you go
to the other extreme and shack up with Doctor Christian’s latest charge and
start bowling around in a G-Wiz, you will become extremely unsatisfied and have
no room in your car for friends, shopping, or anything at all for that matter.
I’ve started to wonder if the same can be applied to man’s
best friend, and what kicked started this thought process was yet another addition
to the Gloop family. You may recall a few weeks ago the introduction of my new
and beautiful Labradoodle; Boom Gloop the first. Well Boom was supposed to be
called Eddie originally, according to my mother, and it was only after much
deliberation and a few demi-dubbings along the way (Noisily, Ozora and Dave) that
he finally became official. Mumsy wasn’t satisfied however, and after a couple
of weeks spent wafting through the corridors in a billowing Dickensian blouse,
staring into space whilst vacantly mumbling the name “Eddie, Eddie, Eddie”, before threatening to set herself alight in
front of the inglenook; we thought it best to find an Eddie after all.
So it was from the post-apocalyptic climbs of East
Lincolnshire, an inbreds throw from the aptly named Grimsby, betwixt the perpetual
mists of pathetic phallacy, that wee Edward was rescued from the clutches of a
man whose brother’s sister was quite clearly his mother.
Eddie is the G-Wiz of dogs, the third nipple; he weighs 1.5
kilos and is quite simply ridiculously small. His belly doesn’t fit him and
dangles on the floor, he can’t walk further than 20 feet without assistance, he
can’t climb onto the sofa so I had to fashion a ramp (pictured at the bottom),
which he is still too tiny to ascend without rolling off the side onto his
inherently weak back, before being mauled by the unrelenting Boom and then
stepped on by anyone over 4 feet tall. He would be of regular size amongst the Lilliputians,
and on the small side should he ever encounter a borrower. I used to think the
Paris Hiltons of this world were ludicrous for carrying their Chihuahuas around
in their Louis Vuitton bags, however I now realise that far from being an
accessory, it is an absolute necessity, to ensure the Eddies don’t become as
flat as the Lincolnshire they came from!
There is one very important thing that redeems the utter
impracticality of such a small creature, a factor that sets it well and truly
apart from an electric micro car and an exceptionally small penis: He is
impossibly cute. I can guarantee you that driving into the park on a summer’s
day waving your pecker from the window of an oversized battery will not draw
the right kind of attention. Stroll through with a miniature wire haired Dachshund
in your arms however, and the babes will come-a-flocking. Then you can take
them home and show them your G-Wiz.
Ingredients:
(Serves 4)
For the dressing –
1 garlic clove
1 handful fresh basil
Zest of ½ lemon
2 tablespoons pine nuts
4 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil
2 tablespoons balsamic vinegar
1 tablespoon freshly grated parmesan
1 bird eye chilli, deseeded and finely chopped
Salad –
1 bag of fresh water cress
1 bag of mixed leaf salad
1 handful French beans
1 packet stem broccoli
100g Greek feta, cubed
1 pot of olives, mine were stuffed with peppers
12 cherry tomatoes, halved
Method:
1. In a pestle and mortar or blender mash up all the ingredients for
the dressing and set aside.
2. Boil the broccoli and beans until tender but with a little bite,
strain and set aside.
3. Chuck all the ingredients in a salad bowl and pour the dressing
over, toss to coat. This salad has some quite strong flavours in it so I would
have it as a starter or light lunch.
