My little sister recently got into an altercation with someone who can only be described as a compulsive liar and complete nutcase; as she was unable to convey her thoughts in a concise correspondence, I offered my services as big brother and scribe and gave the culprit a good lashing.
As follows:
"Dear (whatever her name is),
I am writing to you so I can articulate my thoughts and feelings in a clear and concise manner without getting carried away in the heat of the moment, and to ensure that I cover all the points I wish to without omitting anything of importance.
Over the past couple of months I, along with a number of our classmates (Marta and Amy included), have listened attentively to information you have readily divulged regarding your personal life and affairs that I can only assume to be bogus and incorrect.
1) You have claimed to have used your father's credit card in order to win £69,000, having initially debited said card of a marginally smaller amount of money without your father's knowledge in order to do so. - Either this is a total fabrication, or if not, I can only assume your father and/or his accountant are guilty of quite possibly the worst book keeping in the history of the profession.
2) On a number of occasions you have remarked how you, and I quote: "do cocaine every night with your boyfriend", the same boyfriend who loves to watch other guys stare at you when you "play volleyball naked, as it turns him on". The latter of these two tenuous anecdotes is none of my business, and quite frankly what you decide to wear, or not wear, whilst you are playing sport, does not interest me in the slightest. The former however is extremely worrying; if you are using 'Class A' drugs at all, recreationally or habitually as you are suggesting, I would seriously suggest seeking help as drug addiction carries with it serious ramifications including depression, bankruptcy, medical conditions, and much worse. Perhaps try talking to Frank.
3) You also claim that you haven't spoken to your mother in two years, yet on Facebook there are photos of you both together within the past four months.
4) Your smoking habit which consists of up to 35 cigarettes a day according to your claims, is not only ill advised, but must also take place for the majority when you are away from Quest. The frequency with which you smoke whilst on campus doesn't stack up to the almost two packs you apparently smoke within 24 hours. That said you may in fact have a strain of narcolepsy I am not aware of which allows you to puff throughout the night; or perhaps it's is the fact you are constantly high on Cocaine, I can't be sure.
5) You were "engaged once at 17 but then called it off three months later, and you also hope to be married with children by next year". The former, when coupled with the array of alternative falsifications which have come out of your mouth, seems totally unfounded. If the latter is true then I'm not sure Quest is the right place for you to nurture your desire to nurture; I would also suggest giving up smoking, cocaine, theft and naked sports if you intend on giving birth and raising a child in the near future.
6) To add to your burning desire to become a mother it would appear you are also trying your hand at espionage; your strategic placing of your iPad in order to record us talking is paramount to entrapment, which, you may not be aware of, is illegal. Perhaps you recall the phone tapping scandal and the Leveson enquiry? Or perhaps you don't.
7) In the video Amy said how she was offended by your slur at Gay people, branding them "disgusting". You told her you were "entitled to your opinion". Well as we live in a free country and in the spirit of free speech, I am also entitled to mine; which, based on all the aforementioned details, is that you are indeed a "Bullshitter". I also find the concept of a thieving drug addicted delusional smoker judging anyone else for something as trivial as their sexual preference totally abhorrent.
To conclude: if anything you have told us over the past couple of months is even remotely true then you are a damaged individual and I would suggest you seek medical and psychological help immediately. If it is a total farce, which I am inclined to believe is true, then I would offer you the same advice.
But I would urge you not to make empty threats in the public domain via the medium of Facebook, and rather deal with this in a calm and collected manner as I have tried to do in the correspondence.
I am a good person, I do not bear grudges nor harbour malice toward anyone, and I only wish the very best for you in any issues or struggles you may have, but I will not be threatened.
Regards,
Claudia."
The reply, which confirms all the above, and came in block capitals evidently intended to emphasise how unhinged she was, but succeeded only in proving her illiteracy and inability to grasp the ins and outs of case sensitivity:
"F**K YOU YOU F*****G C**T B***H"
The case continues . . . . .
Ingredients: (Serves 1)
2 eggs
1/2 an avocado
Smoked Salmon
Small piece of pickled lemon, finely chopped
Red Wine Vinegar
Balsamic Glaze
Extra Virgin Olive Oil
Fresh Basil
Fresh Chives
Chilli Flakes
Cracked Black Pepper
Method:
1) Boil a pint of water in a sauce pan, pour in a tablespoon of red wine vinegar, stir swiftly clockwise, crack the eggs into the water and boil for 3-4 minutes depending on how well done you like your yolk. Remove with a slotted spoon and place on the centre of your plate.
2) Whilst the eggs are cooking cut an avocado in half, take out the stone, carefully spoon out the centre and finely slice it into juliennes.
3) Lay the salmon out on the plate and sprinkle with the pepper, chilli flakes and finely chopped lemon. Lay out the avocado around the eggs, sprinkle the chopped herbs on top, drizzle with the oil and the balsamic glaze. Eat and feel fresh.
